Soup just isn’t funny

When Sunday rolls around each week, I usually have a good amount on my agenda. Church, lawn mowing, Sportscenter and newspaper comics are usually high on my list. When I get to the comics section, I mostly stray solely to Sherman’s Lagoon, but occasionally I get a chuckle from some of the others. However, when I came across this one, “Baldo,” I failed to see how it reached the color spread of such a major newspaper. I find it neither comical, amusing or entertaining, which I thought was the main point of comics. Most likely, I either don’t get it or I just caught them on a bad day. I am amused, however, to know that it took 2 people to come up with this idea. I can almost envision their conversation:

Henry: Man Carl, this comic is going to bring smiles to the faces of children all across this great land.

Carl: And to think, we were doctors before turning to our true love, Sunday Post Comics.

Henry: Start looking in the Real Estate section Carl.

Carl: Why old friend?

Henry: Because we’re moving up to a deluxe apartment in the sky after this one, I can feel it!

Traveling Euro Style

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was the 6th pick in the NBA draft, I would hope not to make this mistake. As I was watching this game, I felt as if I was the only person who noticed it-look at how many steps #8, Danilo Gallinari, takes when he catches the ball. It looks like the old Italian 8 step swing dance.

Handshake? I’ll pass thanks

3 seconds. 3 seconds between a friend and an acquaintance. 3 seconds between your father-in-law and that one girl. 3 seconds between a job and a career. 3 seconds can determine a lot or maybe nothing at all. Sometimes all you get is one look, one smile, one frown or one impression to show yourself. I have moved over a dozen times, gone to over 6 schools and had more odd summer jobs that I care to count. With every new friend, school professor and job interview, the first interaction has always undoubtedly been met with a firm handshake. However, as I have noticed through my years, not everyone has such a quality handshake. Sometimes you get accidentally caught by just the fingers, or go in for a shake as they go for a fist pound. Most times, the handshake tells a lot about a person. Do they reach in for a firm handshake with eye contact and a smile or do they give you a “dead fish” to shake?

• “Freddy Got Fingers”- It’s happened to all of us at one time or another.  The “Freddy Got Fingers” is a lapse in time management by one of the hand shaking partners, resulting in an uneven mess. Think of it as the premature ejaculation of the handshake world. But, with practice and a partner, anyone can overcome “Freddy Got Fingers”. Freddy is a crafty devil and he has been known to pop up anywhere, so be careful.

• “Xplode!”- The Hulkster or muscle man of handshaking. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I can’t understand why someone has to break every one of my fingers just to prove they have a strong grip. If I was interviewing a candidate for employment and I got the “Xplode!” grip, I would immediately rip my button up shirt off, pound my chest and yell for my HGH just to spite them. I hate you.
• “Floppy Dead Fish”- In my experiences, the “Floppy Dead Fish” has a following of mostly college women and World of Warcraft players. It may as well be a lifeless glop of silly putty in your hands, which is usually a common feeling for its recipient. In people’s defense, they might think that it’s polite to shake hands as if you want the other person to kiss your royal knuckles.    

   

• “Clam Hands”- I would prefer soaking my hands in a bucket of live clams, mussels and squid legs than shake the wet Kleenex on your hands. Everyone gets nervous, nothing wrong with that. Gloves. Gloves make you look important without appearing rude. Gloves are key.   
• “Rigamortis”- Stiff as a 2×4 without the splinters. There’s no real movement in this handshake because frankly, the person is most likely barely alive. The best way to resolve the situation from the most embarrassing of all handshakes is to walk away with some dignity still intact. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

• “Jitterbug”- In and out in a flash. The “Jitterbug” kind of has the same problem as the “Freddy Got Fingers.” Just breathe and it’ll be over before you know it. However, my doctor said that to me before surgery and I came out with a foot long metal rod sticking out of my arm. Your call.  

Resumaybe

For me, the best way to explain being away from school on an extended brake is like saying that Greg Ostertag is the most underrated athlete of the modern era. Huh? It makes you pause for a minute and reassess what just happened. It’s like getting a “Spring Break ‘94” tattoo across your back or going deep sea fishing. It’s exciting and fun at the beginning. Sadly, however, it usually turns into a regretful decision. Now, on my resume I might have put that I was the founder of the “Greg Ostertag Fan Appreciation Society,” but nevertheless I’m far from giving up on this summer. I just now realize my efforts need to be set in a new direction. I have been going at the job market all wrong. There are certain places that judge potential candidates on solely their resume, and maybe rightfully so. I’m fine with mine, still, I would rather be judged on my interaction and personal skills than an 8 x 11. 

But if that’s what I need to succeed, that’s what I’m going to do. I need to put down the chili cheese Fritos, whiten my teeth, tan up and beef up my “skill set” resume line. How good can their background checks be? Everybody loves a winner and lucky for my future employers, I now happen to be a winner in a multitude of things. According to my “new” stat sheet, I was the youngest junior champion in the pommel horse, an honorary leader in the International Business Society of Luxembourg, and a certified sous-chef. I am also apparently proficient in machine welding and fluent in 14 languages. I like my new “cultured” self. That would be a rocking resume, how could you turn down a guy who’s a champion in the pommel horse? Hint: you can’t. Hopefully it’s now good enough for the clean up job at Wal-Mart…

Or, I can just keep plugging away, with my chili cheese Fritos in hand. Maybe I’ll keep the pommel horse championship in my back pocket though.        

 

 

 

Field and Track

How exciting have the Olympic Track Trials been? Pretty damn exciting is the correct answer. Maybe I have a different mindset then some of you reading this, but there is really no better measure of athleticism, competition and pure guts on display than what is going on in Eugene, Oregon (baby baby!) right now. So far it is shaping up to be an awesome Olympic games. I think it’s pretty clear that the University of Oregon has the best fans and track stadium around. Congrads to all the UO athletes that competed and won. Also, my boy made it through the high jump competition to win! So, unless you’re already out training to make the London Olympics in four years, park your keester in front of the tube and watch.

With the 61st Pick…

I just got done watching 4+ hours of the NBA draft in my boxers and with a big bowl of Life cereal by my side. Denver again failed to even show it has a pulse. Maybe not a great allocation of time, but in the end I realized that there is only one solution for the Denver Nuggets struggles:

Trade our players for corporate sponsorship.

Get this headline: “Nuggets point guard traded for a bag of cookies…” “This just in–they are vanilla wafers with a milk chocolatey filling…”

I am willing to trade players for next to nothing. Keebler will sponsor the trade and every ticket-wielding fan gets their own bag of Keebler Elf cookies at various games. The fans are happy because they now have one less player who gets swept in the playoffs and a tummy full of sugar. The other team gets a free player, but no cookies. Win-Win in my book. I am now taking calls for any general manager positions with the NBA.

“Nuggets guard traded to the Bucs…Sponsored by Keebler!”

Fear and Loathing In Summer

So I am jobless. That was a little negative, sorry, let me start over. I am jobless and all my friends are either in Oregon or traveling a beautiful foreign country. Dammit I did it again, sorry, let me try one more time. If this summer has brought me anything, it has definitely allowed me the opportunity to save rent money and listen to Geto Boys on a youtube repeat loop. No, no I love being home with my family, but I also love new exciting experiences and being challenged. This is something I haven’t been able to find in my little metropolitan mountain town. To me, the job market is kinda similar to the upcoming NBA draft (please Nuggets don’t use history as a guide). I have been watching a couple draft shows on TV in my boringness lately and I feel like I am watching a mirror image of the management’s employment meetings around town.

Analyst 1: You know, Keith, I think Jensen has the size and speed to be successful at the next level, but I’m worried about his upside around the bar area.

Analyst 2: And you’re absolutely right Steve, he’s going to need to work on his table to turnover ratio on those drink orders if he’s ever going to succeed at Chiles.

Analyst 1: If I was General Manager Patterson over at Chiles, I might look to find a big man in the first round and hope I can pull out a steal like someone of Jensen’s caliber in the later rounds.

Analyst 2: You heard it here folks, will Chiles take Jensen with the 14^th overall pick in the 2008 Summer Denver Job Draft or will they look elsewhere to fill a desperate need in the bartending position? Find out here next Thursday, only on ESPN3.

 

Who are we kidding, I’ll probably end up a knife salesman anyway. Why not start now?

Not the Sharpest Tool in the Club

One of my best friends, Andrew Grizzy, recently made the 20+ hour driving trek with me across the western US to visit my little home away from collegeville. In his week here, we unintentionally people watched like we were getting paid for it (and since I currently don’t have a job, it worked well). What it is really, is that I can have fun with Andrew in just about any situation. Our theme for the week seemed to be hinged on defining “the Tool.” On the surface, this is easy and maybe rightfully so, but it doesn’t make it any less funny. Every one of us has run into “the Tool” in our lives and it really can take many different shapes. For some of us it may have been our high school basketball coach, the party guy who crushes beer cans on his head or the jaeger bombs guy at the bar. If you’re worried that you might be a “Tool” here are some red flags to watch out for:

Barbed wire arm band tattoo

Tilted hat/visor

Beer company or Cancun spring break shirt

Exposed silver neck chain (Preferably on top of a Tommy Bahama shirt)

Orange spray-tan complexion

Abercrombie graphic “funny” tees

Wearing your beater tank top as your main shirt for the evening

Listening to Benny Benassi and referring to it as “my jam”

Guys who drive Volkswagon Jetta’s

Be weary of “The Tool,” unless he is buying you drinks. Once the free jello shooters and drop shots stop, get the heck out of there.

My Summer Internship

Last summer, I was fortunate enough to be able to work as the summer sports intern at the CBS news affiliate in Denver, Channel 4 (news team= neato gang!). I learned a lot and I couldn’t have worked with a better group of people. Here’s my first and only attempt at my anchor check- the prompter is tough.

old macs have feelings too

This is how Davey Z and I spent our Friday afternoon. This is our first attempt at stop motion, so we’re still learning. After wathcing, it’s clear that we need to go in a different direction rather than computer screens, but that’s why we’re doing it, to learn baby!

something different

my main arty man David Zavertnik and I have started a campaign on Little Debbie snack cakes. We’re having a dual campaign going on and here is our start to one of them. It’s something different, enjoy. we’re gonna keep adding to this and try to make it real sick.

It all starts with a guy named Otis McKee, who discovers something that he can’t explain with modern science or reasoning. He needs answers and has built a website to find if anyone else has experienced something they can’t explain either.

This is supposed to be a secret from all Little Debbie branding to the viewer

Read the first entry at the bottom of the page to start to get a good understanding

http://themckeesighting.wordpress.com/

I am Otis McKee

ice creamery

had a funny idea, wanted to visualize it. in no way is this a done product or anything, just something fun that I may come back to in the future

the man card

we had a 6 hour plane ride from NY and I was bored out of my mind- $5 for pringles, Delta you’re crazy.

The Man Card

Every man, the big-kahona everyman, is born with a set of internal cards. These cards are more important than your significant other, what school you go to, what job you have and how much money you make. Your manlihood, maness, manarama and all around state of manliness is dependent on your ability to keep these cards. These cards are a sign of Man, in all its glory and buldge.

• The ability to lose man cards starts immediately after boyhood ends. The first morning that is woken up to the view of a campsite, is a good sign of when to begin.

• When a man is in question of losing a card, it goes through a series of committees. The first single committee is comprised of the man’s closest group of fellow card carrying members. Split decisions result in a loss of card. If a man is in jeopardy of losing a set of cards, it goes to a mantable of no less than three mustaches, two weight lifters and a ford driver.

• After a man is caught in an act unbecoming of a man, he can argue his case during the committee hearing. If the case is overturned, then the man card is saved. If the committee rules in favor of the decision, mass ridicule and hazing can occur. This is done preferably in a mancave or other manspace.

o Examples of Loss
-Going to a wine & chocolate bar
-Spray Tans/Tanning Beds
-Napkin dabbing pizza grease
-Travel bottle of hand sanitizer on Subway
-Louis Vitton Shoes
-Knowing what Louis Vitton is
-Muscle printed bikini t-shirt and cut off jean short

o Man Signs
Moustache
Monster Trucks
Steroids
Porn
Bench Press
Eagle Tattoo

Gold Card Carrying Members:
EX. Bear Grylls, Dwight Howard, Deadliest Catch Guys, Al from Married With Children
GCC members have a laminated permanent card with a stretchy stringy key chain belt attachment thing.
- Exceptions GCC might go to committee would be if, say, Les Stroud Survivorman quit eating raw snake to start a career in musical theater.

Spot A Counterfeit Card: Socks with sandals, hair gel, spritzers, Jaegar bombs, wine cooler, P.S. I Love You, matching luggage, Volkswagon Jetta, San Antonio Spurs, etc.

NEW YAWK CITAY

I just spent a week in New York for the One Club Advertising Festival and here is my assignment assessment of what I learned.

New York Baby!

After this trip, I have a new found excitement that is consuming my work and social life. I grew closer to the people in our group and had a great experience interacting with professionals in the industry and viewing how the seniors handled their business. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to talk and listen to some of the brightest minds in advertising during the week. Besides inhaling a pound of street dust and almost dying in a cab ride, I took a lot away from this trip.

1. Don’t Piss Off Your Waitress At A Wine & Chocolate Bar
As with the fiery pinot-wielding psycho waitress, don’t make people mad. Everyone around you, your teachers, friends and classmates, will all remember if you were good to them once upon a time and vice versa. If you need a job, feedback, or just a floor to sleep on, the connections you make now will carry you through your career. The industry is a very personal one and if you’re an asshole, have fun finding a job and friends! Also, I ordered a beer at a wine & chocolate bar, for which I saved losing a man card, and the waitress was appalled.

2. New York Cab Drivers Are Nuts
My group and I could not flag down a cab in a city littered with yellow cars for more than 15 minutes. Just as we were about to hoof it home, we caught the craziest New Yawk cabby of all time. He got out in the middle of the street to get a neighboring lady’s phone number in a mini van. You always have to take chances and work hard and good things will eventually happen. No one said life is easy and advertising is no different. Always work like you have a hill to climb, always be changing and always be happy for others.

3. I Spent $10 Dollars On One Damn Drink
New York is expensive, but it is also a crazyfest full of different opportunities and challenges. I may have spent $10 on a drink, but I took that drink to the lawn of the New York Public Library. There are so many opportunities and places that advertising can bring you to, if you are flexible and willing to put in the work. I spent time in 6 different agencies and each one of them told me how much work they have on a daily basis and how much money they’re plugging into living in such an expensive place. Still, every one of them said how much they love their situation and wouldn’t change it.

4. Take the Q Downtown Toward Brooklyn And Get Off At 32nd
I have to admit, at first I wasn’t thrilled in the slightest about taking the New York Subway to all my destinations. Underground in a rat infested tin can traveling at high speeds to boroughs that I haven’t even heard of? However, it turned out to be great; I made new friends with 40s, didn’t get rabies from a pigeon and I used it everyday to get all around NYC. Another good tidbit that was drilled firmly into my cerebellum was to never say no to assignments and campaigns when you’re starting out. Every assignment, no matter how lame and whitey tighty it feels, can turn into being some of your best ideas and work. Always try new things and don’t be close-minded. You’re young, in a big city, excited and ready to go, don’t give anyone a reason to not hire you.

5. I’m In The Greatest City In America, Next To Denver
Let’s be honest for a moment: How lucky are we as students? I just missed a week of school to go to New York City and listen to guys dressed in the same clothes as me talk about coming into work at 10 and writing about gorillas playing drums to Phil Collins. We are so incredibly lucky to be in college, have supportive families and have the different opportunities in front of us. Take advantage of every interview, lesson, interaction and connection that you can. Don’t sacrifice your morals or what makes you, you. Be yourself, work hard and be courteous to everyone around you and kick ass in life. NY’s cool, but I can’t believe I couldn’t get a Denver Omelet, that’s straight disrespect.

Futbol

Really, really tight ad for nike soccer. Ronaldinho!

72 & Sunny doing big things